New Olympic Sports

Ted Ligety’s gold medal in alpine skiing.

Dave Wise’s gold medal in freestyle skiing.

Jamie Anderson’s gold medal in slopestyle. 

Slopestyle?!

What’s slopestyle?! All I know is it’s a new event in this year’s Winter Olympics! And since Jamie Anderson won the women’s event and Sage Kotsenburg won the gold in the men’s slopetyle it’s something worth cheering about. U-S-A! Hooray!

While millions of couch potatoes watch the world’s finest athletes perform incredible feats in Sochi, my neighbors have proven that they too have been bitten by Sochi’s Olympic bug. Here are the sports my suburban California neighbors have been performing—and excelling at:

Every day of these Olympics Harold has been raising the US flag on his flagpole in less than 10 seconds. His personal best is 8.0 seconds flat.

In the past 10 days Norma has cooked on the grill 14 different cuts of beef—burgers, steaks and ribs—and all of them smelled delicious.

Gary has sprayed his 101 roses, hitting every single bush right on target. His aim is outstanding.

After getting home from work, Charles has chatted to everyone on the block in less than two hours.

Stephen has pruned their citrus trees into Dr. Seus-like specimens. That citrus triathlon event is tricky because trimming a lemon tree is uniquely different from trimming an orange tree or a grapefruit. Grapefruits are notoriously challenging!  

Mr. Wonderful has spent 47 hours trolling the home improvement store for supplies for his next DIY project.

Jackson the cat has slept for 1,096 hours straight. In fact he fell asleep during the opening ceremonies and hasn’t awakened since. Every day I lean down and check his heartbeat. Ladies and Gentlemen, Jackson is going for the gold!

And me? Well I’ve been perfecting two events: 1) Trimming the front and back gardens and 2) Watching—like a couch potato—all the events of the Olympics and my neighbors. And I’ve made a decision: for the next Winter Games in South Korea, perhaps the Olympic Committee will consider adding my neighbors’ events.  

Imagine: Harold winning the gold for raising the flag! Hey, I’d watch that! U-S-A! Hooray!