Saturday, May 17, 2014

As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns (A Soap Opera)--Part 2

When her husband speaks of problems, should she be concerned?
Is a kitchen redo ever done?
Once a heart beats quickly, will it always beat quickly?

Find out now on the latest installment of New House Girl—As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns… Part 2!


When we last met the New House Girl, our feminine heroine was as close as a woman can get to a man… while cutting holes in the kitchen ceiling. Side by side they had drawn holes, cut holes and together made long, hot, sweet… messiness of their kitchen. As they say in Buenos Aires: It takes two to tango. And: There’s only one Evita Peron. And: Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina. And: !Ay, caramba! Actually those beef-eating South Americans are very talkative, which is more than the New House Girl (uh, I) could say for herself and her stoic spouse. Looking back on their entire relationship, she could remember him saying just two things to her: “I do” on their wedding day. And yesterday, “About these lights, there’s only one problem.”  

“A problem!” she gasped. Her breath came fast, she gulped air into her lungs mostly because she was wearing a totally impractical peasant dress with a bodice that barely covered her heaving bosom. She tossed her hair back with a move so elegant she must have looked like Grace Kelly, Elizabeth Taylor or at least Miss Piggy. She looked up at her man’s strong jaw, Roman nose and irascible eyes. He was a rake, impossible and her Guiding Light but suddenly she knew just what she had to say to him. Her lips trembled, parted and finally formed the words, “What do you mean, ‘problem’.”

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Now back to our program, As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns… Part 2.

“What ‘problem’ are you talking about?” she said again because they always repeat the same statement after a commercial break. He wiped the sweat from his brow then looked deep into her green-blue-gray-hazel-brown-India-ink-jet-black eyes. 
“We’re going to have to repaint the kitchen.” 
“You mean,” she laughed “Just the ceiling,” she lifted her face to him revealing her beauty mark… which was one of several splotches of dirt and plaster that had fallen on her sweat-drenched skin during their saw-cutting fest.
“No,” he shook his head. “The whole kitchen.”
“Mister, I’ve got everything you need,” she said lifting… a gallon of Behr’s Elegant White paint and two brushes. “One for you and one for me,” she said running a brush over his muscular forearms.
“Not so fast,” he said standing so close she could hear his heart beat quickly. Perhaps he should have his heart checked out by a doctor at General Hospital? She made a mental note of calling the local Ophthalmologist and scheduling EKG, ESP and FYI tests for her husband. Speaking of her husband, he was still speaking, “First” he said “We have to remove all the old coats of paint, down to the plaster. Only then do we repaint the room and ceiling.”

“Down to the plaster?!” she said as a tear leaked from her left eye. He watched the tear cascade down her cheek, off her chin, around her ear, and circle her neck—three times—before resting on her ample bosom from which he heard her heart beating quickly. Perhaps she should have her heart checked out by her favorite Dentist at General Hospital? He stepped forward to tell her this but she moved way from him flipping her hair like Miss Piggy. What a woman, he thought! And what a muppet! When another tear escaped her right eye he suddenly realized the pain he had caused his spouse. What a fool he had been to put her in this position! He had not been upfront about what this job would entail. If only he had controlled his unquenchable need; his hungry heart; his burning desire… to put LED lights and a dimmer switch into the kitchen ceiling. 

“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he said taking her into his arms. With her head resting on his shoulder she felt like a child or at least All My Children. From this angle she also got a wide view of the ceiling and realized he was right—they’d painted the kitchen before when they’d done the first kitchen redo. But now they needed to do it… and do it right… on this second kitchen redo. Their eyes exchanged a look. Suddenly she and he both desired the same thing. Her hand grabbed what he wanted her to… a paint scraper. 
“One for you and one for me,” she whispered handing him a paint scraper of his own. Then she climbed on top of… the ladder and gave into the thrill, the unbridled pleasure of scraping off paint! Yes, yes, YES!

In one hour-long episode she learned that she should be concerned when her husband spoke of problems but that together they could handle any problem that came their way. Also she decided that a kitchen redo does begin and end. But there can always be a second kitchen redo or a third kitchen redo. Although if they had a third redo she would definitely complain in her next therapy session with a Surgeon, Oncologist or Radiologist. 

Finally, after medical appointments at General Hospital and Grey’s Anatomy, she learned that if a heart beats quickly, it’s usually related to stress, 16 cups of espresso or being scared of embarking on a second kitchen redo right after finishing the first kitchen redo. But once the kitchen work was done everyone’s heart rate should return to normal. At least that’s what the Proctologist said.

Standing in the kitchen with her husband scraping paint off the walls together, she looked forward to more Days of Our Lives. Or at least to finishing this @#$% second kitchen redo job!