As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns (A Soap Opera)--Part 2

When her husband speaks of problems, should she be concerned?

Is a kitchen redo ever done?

Once a heart beats quickly, will it always beat quickly?

Find out now on the latest installment of New House Girl—As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns… Part 2!

When we last met the New House Girl, our feminine heroine was as close as a woman can get to a man… while cutting holes in the kitchen ceiling. Side by side they had drawn holes, cut holes and together made long, hot, sweet… messiness of their kitchen. As they say in Buenos Aires: It takes two to tango. And: There’s only one Evita Peron. And: Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina. And: !Ay, caramba! Actually those beef-eating South Americans are very talkative, which is more than the New House Girl (uh, I) could say for herself and her stoic spouse. Looking back on their entire relationship, she could remember him saying just two things to her: “I do” on their wedding day. And yesterday, “About these lights, there’s only one problem.”  

“A problem!” she gasped. Her breath came fast, she gulped air into her lungs mostly because she was wearing a totally impractical peasant dress with a bodice that barely covered her heaving bosom. She tossed her hair back with a move so elegant she must have looked like Grace Kelly, Elizabeth Taylor or at least Miss Piggy. She looked up at her man’s strong jaw, Roman nose and irascible eyes. He was a rake, impossible and her Guiding Light but suddenly she knew just what she had to say to him. Her lips trembled, parted and finally formed the words, “What do you mean, ‘problem’.”

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Now back to our program, As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns… Part 2.

“What ‘problem’ are you talking about?” she said again because they always repeat the same statement after a commercial break. He wiped the sweat from his brow then looked deep into her green-blue-gray-hazel-brown-India-ink-jet-black eyes. 

“We’re going to have to repaint the kitchen.” 

“You mean,” she laughed “Just the ceiling,” she lifted her face to him revealing her beauty mark… which was one of several splotches of dirt and plaster that had fallen on her sweat-drenched skin during their saw-cutting fest.

“No,” he shook his head. “The whole kitchen.”

“Mister, I’ve got everything you need,” she said lifting… a gallon of Behr’s Elegant White paint and two brushes. “One for you and one for me,” she said running a brush over his muscular forearms.

“Not so fast,” he said standing so close she could hear his heart beat quickly. Perhaps he should have his heart checked out by a doctor at General Hospital? She made a mental note of calling the local Ophthalmologist and scheduling EKG, ESP and FYI tests for her husband. Speaking of her husband, he was still speaking, “First” he said “We have to remove all the old coats of paint, down to the plaster. Only then do we repaint the room and ceiling.”

“Down to the plaster?!” she said as a tear leaked from her left eye. He watched the tear cascade down her cheek, off her chin, around her ear, and circle her neck—three times—before resting on her ample bosom from which he heard her heart beating quickly. Perhaps she should have her heart checked out by her favorite Dentist at General Hospital? He stepped forward to tell her this but she moved way from him flipping her hair like Miss Piggy. What a woman, he thought! And what a muppet! When another tear escaped her right eye he suddenly realized the pain he had caused his spouse. What a fool he had been to put her in this position! He had not been upfront about what this job would entail. If only he had controlled his unquenchable need; his hungry heart; his burning desire… to put LED lights and a dimmer switch into the kitchen ceiling. 

“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he said taking her into his arms. With her head resting on his shoulder she felt like a child or at least All My Children. From this angle she also got a wide view of the ceiling and realized he was right—they’d painted the kitchen before when they’d done the first kitchen redo. But now they needed to do it… and do it right… on this second kitchen redo. Their eyes exchanged a look. Suddenly she and he both desired the same thing. Her hand grabbed what he wanted her to… a paint scraper. 

“One for you and one for me,” she whispered handing him a paint scraper of his own. Then she climbed on top of… the ladder and gave into the thrill, the unbridled pleasure of scraping off paint! Yes, yes, YES!

In one hour-long episode she learned that she should be concerned when her husband spoke of problems but that together they could handle any problem that came their way. Also she decided that a kitchen redo does begin and end. But there can always be a second kitchen redo or a third kitchen redo. Although if they had a third redo she would definitely complain in her next therapy session with a Surgeon, Oncologist or Radiologist. 

Finally, after medical appointments at General Hospital and Grey’s Anatomy, she learned that if a heart beats quickly, it’s usually related to stress, 16 cups of espresso or being scared of embarking on a second kitchen redo right after finishing the first kitchen redo. But once the kitchen work was done everyone’s heart rate should return to normal. At least that’s what the Proctologist said.

Standing in the kitchen with her husband scraping paint off the walls together, she looked forward to more Days of Our Lives. Or at least to finishing this @#$% second kitchen redo job!

As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns (A Soap Opera)--Part 1

Can she cut holes in the ceiling?
Will she destroy her kitchen to improve it?
Is her husband crazy or inspired?

Find out now on the latest installment of New House Girl—As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns.

But before we bring you the latest adventure, first a recap of what’s been happening lately. For the entire month of April the New House Girl has been interrupted while she’s (uh, I’ve) been traipsing through the Low Countries eating waffles in Belgium, chocolate pralines in Brussels and partying in the orange-loving Netherlands. But now April’s good times are over and it’s back to the ranch in sunny California for more home improvement, kooky cats and kookier neighbors.

When we last saw the New House Girl she was debating her relationship with her husband, specifically: what to do with the kitchen ceiling. Seated at the table across from her spouse she looked at his strong arms, his wide chest, his thick hair.
“I love…” she said breathlessly “Everything about our kitchen.”  He raised a rakish eyebrow before his dark eyes met hers with a smoldering look. He inhaled the air scented with her one-of-a-kind perfume—a base of oregano and tomatoes from the pasta sauce she’d made mingled with the swimming pool chlorine in her hair. He exhaled.
“Want to punch a hole in the kitchen ceiling?”

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Now back to As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns—

“But why?” she gasped, her bosom heaving. Although she was young and restless, she was still trying to wrap her brain around his question. Perhaps the doctor at General Hospital was right and her spouse was crazy and addicted to… living in a disaster zone. The doctor would know everything about psychological and addictive personalities since he was a trained… gynecologist. After all, a doctor is a doctor, right? Her tongue flicked over her lips and she leveled her gaze at her spouse and pouted, “But we just finished redoing our kitchen.”

Then he spoke to her of LED lights and how they were energy efficient and cool (as in, they did not heat up when turned on, unlike her) and how he could put them on a dimmer switch. His words were very persuasive. As were his arms and all his tools. Before she knew what was happening he was standing on a ladder drawing circles on the ceiling of where the new recessed LED lights should go. Then standing close to her he unhooked… the existing overhead lamps. Then she grabbed that symbol of manliness… a saw. Before she realized it, he lifted her onto… the ladder where she cut a hole in her own kitchen ceiling! Yes, YES! Causing havoc in a room she’d already redone was dangerous, stimulating and so thrilling!

She punch-cut holes in the ceiling. She destroyed her kitchen to improve it. And the man of her dreams was not crazy but totally inspired! Doctor General Hospital was wrong. Aren’t those doctors always wrong? Man oh man: these LED lights were going to be great! She hugged her inspired husband.

“About these lights,” he said looking into her bold and beautiful face, “There’s only one problem…”

What is that problem? Find out on the next installment of the New House Girl on As the Kitchen-Redo (Re)Turns!

D is for Diamonds

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental but

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

Square-cut or pear-shaped.

These rocks don’t lose their shape.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

Tiffany’s Cartier! Black Starr

Belgium—

Belgium?!

It sounds ludicrous but this small country of two parts, three languages and beaucoup rain is the place to go for diamonds. That’s right. If a girl likes diamonds—and what girl in her right mind doesn’t?—you have to hightail it to Antwerp, Belgium. 

I did… Sort of. 

I was sent to Antwerp on a scholarship to study language and literature and while I was there, I became enamored with diamonds. Any girl in my shoes would have—at least any girl in her right mind would have. 

The city of Antwerp is located in the northern part of of Belgium near the border with The Netherlands. Some 2,000 years ago Antwerp was founded by the Romans on the banks of the Schelde River. There’s a popular origin myth story about the city stating that sometime during the 2nd to 4th centuries a giant ogre lived on the banks of the Schelde—as giant ogres are wont to do—and said giant charged a high toll of anyone who wished to ferry across the river. When travelers could not pay his fee, he cut off their hands and tossed them into the river. Frustrated at this ogre’s behavior, Brabo a young Roman man, refused to pay and in turn cut off the ogre’s hand and threw it into the river. (It’s a very big river that accommodates mucho severed hands.) And hence the name of the city: Hand-Twerpen, which translates as “hand thrower”. 

None of this information has anything to do with diamonds… except the Schelde, which is a wide river draining to the North Sea. Its width and depth meant large ships traversing the sea or the Atlantic Ocean could then sail down the river to the port of Antwerp and deposit their goods for sale right in the city. For centuries Antwerp has been one of the world’s busiest ports with the best origin myth about how it got its name. Even today Antwerp is the 15th largest port in the world, the third largest in Europe, and larger than the Port of Los Angeles, California—no joke!

When diamonds were found in India, and later in Africa, the uncut diamonds were brought to Europe to be cut, polished and sold. Since the 15th century Antwerp’s safe, accessible harbor paired with its wealthy population made the city a favored place for diamonds and the girls who loved them. 

I fit right in.

While exploring Antwerp’s Diamond District I discovered it encompasses just one square mile near Antwerp’s Central Train Station. The street leading to the station is sprinkled with jewelry stores whose window displays are full of diamond rings, earrings, bracelets, necklaces, broaches, pins, hair clips, tie clips, money clips. Basically if you have it, they can cover it in diamonds. 

While these stores welcomed visitors, what I really longed for was to see the Diamond Quarter’s professionals—known as diamantaires—buying, selling, cutting and polishing the stones. These are the people who determine the 4Cs: Carat, Cut, Color and Clarity. Unfortunately for me most of that work was done in safe buildings, behind closed doors by a small number of diamantaires who were wary of girls who loved diamonds. Most diamantaires entered the diamond trade because their families had been in the industry for generations. In fact, a large number of diamantaires are Hasidic Jews and Indians from the sub-continent.

During my time studying in Antwerp, I never got to see a diamond being cut, polished or prepared for its setting. But I did make a friend. We are very close. She has many facets I like, is sparkly and looks great in my ears. I call her “earrings” and I love her. I’ll never forget where I found her: Antwerp, Belgium.  

Oh, Diamonds! Diamonds! 

I don’t mean rhinestones!

But, Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

C is for Canal

"Another day in Amsterdam," I sang over my breakfast croissant.

"I want to take you to a coffeeshop!" Benny said downing another cup of coffee. 

"You've already had six cups and it's not even 9 AM."

"Dutch coffeeshops sell coffee, food and pot."

"I don't need anymore food."

"Maybe you want some pot?"

Dutch society is famous for being tolerant. The coffeeshops in Amsterdam, as in all of The Netherlands, sell coffee, sandwiches and cannabis, the sale of which is tolerated by the Dutch authorities. The cops wouldn't tolerate huge sales of marijuana but they will small amounts for personal consumption. Across the table Benny was dressed in his jeans, walking shoes and a tank top. He was ready to show me Amsterdam.

"What do you say?" Benny said bouncing in his chair. The bouncing was either due to his excitement or the liters of caffeine now coursing through his veins. "Want to see a coffeehop?"
"No, thanks," I shrugged.
"What?!"
"In California pot is legal. I'd rather see something I can't see in my hometown."
Benny scratched his head. "Want so see the Red-Light Disrict--" I looked at him. "My guy friends love seeing it."
"Is there anything else to see here?"
"There's so much--!"
"Let's start with one thing."
"The... canals?" I nodded.

We boarded on a canal tour boat, ordered two glasses of wine and from the deck of of the boat passed through the canals of Amsterdam. The sunshine, the watery canals the wine, laughing with my friend  the day was beautiful, unique and very un-California. I toasted to Benny's city, its relaxed way of life and its fabulous canals.

"To another day in Amsterdam!"

Wine Writing: Reflections on a Month of Wine Blogging

Blogging about wine from A-Z for an entire month? Yes!
Could I have picked a worse month to do it? No!

After signing up to do the A-Z Blogging April Challenge, I spent a long weekend in Houston for its fabulous Film Festival and to watch my husband pick up the prize for “Best Animated Short” for his film Pepe & Lucas. He was the humble winner and I the proud spouse.

I’m a writer-performer of comedy and with seven talented women I co-wrote, rehearsed and performed a one-hour Sketch Comedy show: THERE WILL BE SNACKS. We performed twice in April—once at Second City Hollywood and once at the awesome Comedy Central Stage! Both were great shows with terrific houses!

The most glamorous aspect of April was spending three entire weekends digging up the front yard with my husband and installing our own Pétanque court—aka French Bocce, or French lawn bowling, or an excuse to throw a ball with one hand while holding a glass of wine in the other. I’d submitted to build this court with the City and it had to be completed by the end of April.

But then, didn’t everything?

All of this was on top of working and writing on other projects.

My goals for the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2013 were to write 26 comedic story/essays about my chosen theme of wine. This I accomplished. I also wanted to include as many of my own photographs as possible because I love photography and believe it can help tell a story or set the tone of a story. This too, I accomplished.

Did I have every post posted at 12:01 AM on the required day? No. Did I write blog posts in advance? No. Rather I wrote the entry every day on the day that it was due. This was a major part of the challenge and what I wanted to experience—sitting down and writing every day.

Before the challenge started I created a list of what word I would write about for “A” and “B”. I had four options for “C” and six for “J” and on the allotted day had to narrow it down to one to write on. I also tossed my planned entry for “R” and wrote something completely different that I could share with my beautiful cousin after she attended her first chemotherapy session. (I sent her the link and she liked the post.)

I am glad that I did this challenge, although sometimes it was more challenging trying to upload my blog posts than to write them! During those four days in Houston I couldn’t upload because I didn’t have a relaible internet connection! Argh!

The best aspects of this A-Z Challenge for me were:

1. Writing a 500-1000 word piece every day
2. Meeting other (wonderful) bloggers
3. Reading and following their blogs
4. Growing my own followers
5. The supportive staff that runs and monitors this Challenge
6. Winning the Liebster Award from the talented Helen Jameson. Again, thank you Helen! I didn’t even know this award existed and didn’t believe I’d even gotten anything so receiving it was a pleasant surprise.
7. A book! I collected some of these A-Z wine stories and added them to new wine stories that I wrote into one book about vino. My wine book, Evolution of a Wine Drinker, is now available at Amazon as a Paperback and as an eBook!

Ideas that could improve the A-Z Challenge in the future:

1. When signing up, please make it very simple how to add the category of the type of blog one writes. I write a Humor/Comedy blog and when I added the requested (HU) after my blog’s name when signing up, the signup page/program repeatedly rejected my web address. I was so close to not even doing the challenge but finally opted to forgo the (HU) label and just type my blog address without it. Judging by the looks of the list of bloggers without a category label for the A-Z Challenge I don't think I was the only one challenged with adding this label. Whew!
2. I wish I could have connected with more humor and comedy/clown writer types, and addressing the above element would facilitate that.
3. As a comedy person I crack jokes and did so in a couple comments on my own blog and on other blogs. I think comedy writers appreciate these jokes. But if I offended anyone with a comment it was my attempt at being funny! And if you didn’t find it funny, I guess I’m not as funny as I thought I was! My apologies! Again, identifying comedy writers would resolve this. I could tailor my comedy bits for the comedy types.
4. I could not upload the Badges for the A-Z Blogging Challenge; the Liebster Award; or the A-Z Blogging Survivor. Perhaps this is a "it doesn't work with Mac" problem? Or a "it doesn't work with Blogspot" problem? Or a "it doesn't work with Alicia" problem? I spent way too much time futzing around with these badges when I could have been writing or reading other great blogs. So I just didn’t use any of them.
5. Without the badge element working I couldn’t pass along the Liebster Award to other talented writers that I discovered during this challenge. This is my single biggest disappointment of the Challenge
6. SO, I have decided to mention the five (not the usual 11) Liebster Awards winners here! And if they want the Liebster Award badge please go to Helen Jameson's blog and pick it up! I read so many blogs during the challenge but I found myself going back to visit and follow the blogs of the five writers below. So thank you for writing!

Liebster Award Winners:
1. The Happy Life Blog
2. A Month of.... Blog
3. The View Outside
4. JA Bennet
5. Writing in Wonderland

Liebster Award Questions:
Please answer the following questions on your blog and link back to mine.
1. What book changed your life?
2. When did you know you were a writer?
3. Who's funnier: Jerry Seinfeld or Louis C.K?

4. What's your favorite type of wine?

5. What book have you read over and over again?
6. Who's funnier: Tina Fey or Amy Poehler?
7. Have you published a book? If yes, please name it:
8. Do you read the news in its paper form or online?
9. Who's funnier: Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?
10. Who's your favorite book character?
11. What's funnier: Modern Family or The Big Bang Theory? 

I close with a huge thank you to the staff, writers and bloggers who created, monitored and ran this 2013 Challenge. Please pat yourselves on the back. You deserve the praise! For me, this Challenge made the blogosphere smaller, my writing community tighter and my writing habits better.

Thank you all and wishing you a wonderful day!
Alicia

C is for Chardonnay

“I’m looking for a bottle of wine,” I told the wine shoppe specialist.

“That’s difficult,” he said scratching his head.

“It’s for my women’s wine group.”

“That’s easy,” he said pushing a bottle of Chardonnay into my arms.

PLEASE NOTE:

This blog post has been removed.

Do you like what you're reading? You can find more wine stories in my book collection Evolution of a Wine Drinker available on Amazon.com!

Thank you!
--Alicia

An A-Z of Wine--All Month!

During the month of April The New House Girl—which would be me—is taking a break from the comedic chronicles of Mr. Wonderful, our coo-coo cat and nosy neighbors to do something a little different. 

This month I’m writing blog posts about wine. Yep, an alphabet’s worth of blog posts starting with “A is for Drinking Alone” and running through our 26-letter alphabet all the way to “Z is for Zinfandel”.

Afterwards, the adventures of the New House Girl will resume here!

In the meantime, I hope you’ll join me on this wine tour. And remember: no whining, just winning!

Let the wine fun begin! CHEERS!